Since I can’t sleep right now, even though I am totally
exhausted…I guess I will update the blog.
Our life was, once again, turned upside down yesterday. We went to Huntsman to attempt Paul’s 5th
round of chemotherapy. While we met with
his oncologist, we discussed how sick Paul has been. He has still been running low-grade fevers,
having severe abdominal pain, and a lot of nausea and vomiting. The doctor examined him…said he heard no
bowel sounds…said Paul’s gut definitely looked more bloated…then he said the
news no one wants to hear…”Paul, you have fought a good fight, but it is time
to stop fighting…the chemotherapy is not working…you need to go on hospice and
let them help you be as comfortable as possible…”
I cannot say that I was shocked with the news I just
heard. For several days I had feelings
that is what the outcome was going to be.
I knew driving down that day we were going to be done…no more
chemotherapy. Paul said he knew the
same.
Even though we knew this was coming down the pipe, both Paul
and I cried intensely hard. Every time
we would look at each other yesterday we would cry. I don’t think you are ever prepared to hear
that you are going to die soon…
We were fortunate enough to get Paul in with a pain
doctor after his appointment with his oncologist. The doctor made room in his schedule to do a
celiac plexus block (this procedure is
used for pain control by blocking the nerves which come from the pancreas,
liver, gall bladder, stomach and intestine). Paul has had a lot of relief from pain since they did this procedure
yesterday.
In the
meantime, we are now utilizing hospice. We are working to “tweak” the medicine for his
nausea and vomiting. That has been very
difficult to control. He has had little
pain all day today, but he is still having bouts of nausea and vomiting.
We have been
told that he will probably live 7 to 10 days because of his
situation…obviously, it could be less or slightly more…it is in God’s hands
now. One of the main reasons why he will
go quickly is because he cannot eat or drink by mouth because of his bowel
blockage. He is already so thin and
frail. He is no longer on TPN because it
is not used for someone who is terminally ill.
They let us keep Paul on it long enough to give this new chemotherapy
drug a chance…I really wished the drug would have worked.
Last night
was rather strange…we lay in bed talking about his funeral. We haven’t talked much about him dying or his
funeral because we have been too busy fighting to keep him alive. It is hard to stop fighting…everything
inside me keeps saying there has to be something else I can do…it just can’t be
over…I don’t want it to be over…but, he is so tired and weak…he has suffered so
much…it has to be over…he shouldn’t have to suffer any longer…this nasty cancer
is ravaging his body.
Tonight,
after we finished up with the girls valentine cards, we pulled out the video
camera and asked daddy questions. The
girls always want to play with the camera, so this was a great opportunity to
have some fun as we create a video for future viewing. We are trying to create memories that are
positive for the girls. This will be fun
to watch together and help us to remember just how amazing their daddy was/is!
Right now I am
so grateful for loving family and friends.
I am able to do what I do because of all the love and support I am
receiving. Thank you all!
This is so hard to read. My heart is just breaking. We're all crying with you and we'll be there to help you. Sending love and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure that there are any right words right now. Paul, you are an amazing man and I have always treasured your friendship. I pray for your comfort and that of your family as well.
ReplyDeleteLove you, Laurel
Sandra and Paul, My heart is breaking for you both and for your sweet girls. I wish there was something that I could do or say that would take this all away. We have grown to love your sweet family so much. No one should have to endure what you have been through. Just know that we love you and are growing from your incredible example. The Lord is preparing a place for a great hero. Patti, Gary and Dallin
ReplyDeleteSandra, It is so hard to accept Heavenly Father's will when it is so far from your own. I am so sorry. How heavy your heart must feel. I will keep praying for you.
ReplyDeleteBrooke Webb Oniki
Sandra and Paul; your strength is incredible. Paul you have fought this battle so hard and for so long. I know you do so because you don't want to leave your family. Paul when YOU escape your ravaged body, you will not be separated from your family. You will be there for your family whenever they need you. You have won your earthly trials and you have finished all you were to accomplish here on earth. You will know peace. You will be free of pain and you will feel the greatest love course through your spirit. You will meet up with family members that have preceded you. Your joy will abound. Sandra and family, I know this is so hard and so gut wrenching. You will feel such mental pain, but remember that.Paul will always be nearby you and he won't hurt anymore. I hurt for you all. My prayers are with you all, as is my love for each of you. Love Lisa Sorensen
ReplyDeleteI'm keeping you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteJenn
Heavenly Father is mindful of you. Your family is in our prayers.
ReplyDelete